Finding Your Way

When you lose your mother some would say that you lose a sense of yourself.  You have to re-define who you are without this person that is suppose to be the one constant in your life.  This is the person that brought you into this world, took care of you when you were sick, and according to most would sacrifice herself for you.  But now she is gone and you have to change.  You hear says like, “everyone has a mother” and you start to think “I don’t”.  It is a very difficult time and I don’t think it is something you ever completely finish.

When I was 16 and had just loss my mother I had to figure out who I was at that point but then I went to college and at a time when you are suppose to be figuring out yourself and life I had to decide again who I was going to be.  But then life throws you curve balls and you have to re-adjust for them.  Who am I as a woman without my mom, as a wife without my mom, as a mother without my mom.  It is those moments that bring it all back to you and show you who you really are.

A Turning Point

I can still remember the exact moment that I got the news that my mother had died.  I was 16, staying with my dad’s girlfriend, and wanting to be back at home with my mom.  She had been sick most of my life and really most of hers.  I probably had spent more time in a hospital then I had with a lot of my friends.  Yet in my mind I always knew that she would get better or if not better then continue on the same.  I don’t think it ever occurred to me that she might actually die but that is what happened.

It’s strange how more than a decade later it still doesn’t completely seem real to me.  I actually have days when I expect to see her or talk to her or just hear her voice.  I don’t know if everyone can relate to that but crazy or not it is just how my mind works.  It’s like that moment in time became a point of no return for me.  It divide my life in two.  The half with my mother and the half without.  And to this day I think I have always been trying to find a way back to the later.